i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
