her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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