How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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