it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
