My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
