My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
