You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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