my sisters under your porch take her home
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
