it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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