I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You ruined the universe
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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