when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
