Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
