even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
