I hate your face
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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