My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
