he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Houston, we have a blender
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
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I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
