I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
