my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i love accidental penises.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
