Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
