:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
