I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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