That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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