never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
