remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
