Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
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my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
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There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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