We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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