don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
