I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
pray to the hookup gods
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
