I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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