The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
