OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
