Only a mothe r could love this liver
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
