i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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