aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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