he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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