I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.