my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize