I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Your cock deserves a montage
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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