Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
