That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
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I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
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I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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