I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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