Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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