saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
