I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
