I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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