She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
