she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
this just has baby written all over it
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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