I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
