Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
