I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
