You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
