why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
