very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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