guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
