Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
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So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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