Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
