When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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