Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
