Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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